I'm a WHAT!
by Invader Bulma
Summary: "Anyway, son, there's something I've wanted to tell you since you were twelve." "Why didn't you tell me then?" Dib asked. "Not important right now. But, son." He took a deep breath. "I'm a bastard and so are you." Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim.

Warning: VERY DIRTY! Also, Dib is 17 in this.

Dib opened the door to his house and walked into the living room. Sitting there was his father, Professor Membrane, reading the newspaper. "Dad, I'm home." Dib announced, sitting down. "Life sucks."

"Yes, son. I know it does. Did you have fun stalking Zim today?"

"I don't do that-!" Dib paused, the looked at the floor. "...Yes. But other than that, I am a COMPLETLY normal!"

"Yes, and that's why you have a MySpace(no offense to people who have one)." Professor Membrane replied, not looking up from his newspaper.

"Hey!" Dib exclaimed angrily. "That's for perfectly normal people!" Professor Membrane looked up at Dib, his eyebrows raised. "Pervert people!" Dib added.

"Yes, you've told me about your...pervert's pride." He said the last two words as if they were unfamiliar. He set his newspaper down and looked at his son seriously. "Anyway, son, there's something I've wanted to tell you since you were twelve."

"Why didn't you tell me then?"

"Not important right now. But, son." He took a deep breath. "I'm a bastard and so are you."

Dib stared at his father in shock. "Dad!"

"No, I mean it literally."

"DAD!" Dib yelled, still extremely shocked.

"No, I mean it in the literal sense."

"Da-! Ohhhhhhh..." Dib said, finally realizing what his father meant. "So that's why mom was never around. Wait, you're telling me this NOW?!"

"Yeah."

"Dad, I'm 17!" Dib said, shaking in anger. "I've almost graduated high school. You're telling me this NOW?!"

"Well, you weren't exactly sane back then."

This rather offended Dib. "I was PERFECTLY sane back then!"

"Son, you aren't even sane NOW." Professor Membrane argued. "I just thought you need to know at one point."

"Wait, does Gaz even know?"

"Oh, yeah." Professor Membrane said lightly. "I told her when she was five."

"FIVE?! She's known for eleven years, but I had to wait-! Wait...Gaz is a year younger than me...So that means...Oh, dad, that's DISGUSTING!"

"I can't talk about this, I have work to do!" With that, he hurried away from his very angry son.

Dib sighed and ran his fingers through his untidy black hair. Then, Gaz entered the room, sitting down, all of her attention focused on her video game. Dib looked up at his younger, Goth sister. "Hey, Gaz?"

"What?" Gaz asked irritably, not looking up from her game.

"You do know we're bastard children, right?" Gaz nodded curtly. Dib sighed again in frustration. "I can't believe dad waited until now to tell me."

This actually made Gaz look up from her game, her amber eyes looking rather surprised. "I thought he told you in sixth grade."Dib stared at her in confusion, so Gaz continued. "I mean, he did tell your whole sixth grade class. I thought he told you, too."

Dib's eyes widened in horror and shock. He. Did. WHAT?!

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

"Yes, son?" Professor Membrane asked, entering the living room.

"What aren't you telling me?!" Dib asked angrily.

"Lot's of things, son. Which one are you referring to?"

"Sixth grade!"

"Oh, yes." Professor Membrane said thoughtfully. "I remember that."

**FLASHBACK**

_It was career day at Skool. _

_"Class!" Miss Bitters yelled, gaining the class's attention. "We will now hear a few words from Dib's father for career- Dib, why are you raising your hand?"_

_ "I HAVE TO PEE REALLY BAD!" He screamed, sprinting out of the classroom. _

_"Anyway," Miss Bitters continued, like nothing had happened. "Now that Dib has conveniently left the room, we'll hear a few words from Dib's father, Professor Membrane."_

_ "Hello, children." He said, looking at the children through his screen. "I am a scientist and my son is a bastard child." _

_The entire class roared in laughter. "I KNEW IT!" Zim screamed, standing up. "I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT FILTHY DIB BOY!"_

_ Dib reentered the room, smiling in relief. "Hey, dad. "What'd I miss?"_

_ Professor Membrane shook his head sadly. "I'm so sorry, son." _

_The class laughed even harder, pointing at Dib and taunting. Dib just stood there, horribly confused._

END OF FLASHBACK

"YOU TOLD THE WHOLE SIXTH GRADE CLASS, BUT YOU WAITED FIVE YEARS TO TELL ME?!" Dib shrieked, seriously pissed off now.

"Not now, son." Professor Membrane started to grow nervous. "I am making...Toast!"

"The kitchen's over there, dad."

"An EXCELLENT observation, I'll just be going, then." He started to walk towards the kitchen, but then stopped and turned to look at his furious son. "Say, you're not mad, are you?"

Dib. Exploded. "OF COURSE I'M MAD! This really sucks! *bleep* you, dad!"

"You dare speak to your father that way?!" Professor Membrane roared.

"You spoke to ME that way! Did you ever think about my feelings?!"

"Nope." Professor Membrane said, shrugging his shoulders. "I'm just trying to be a normal parent."

"Well, you're failing." Dib spat bitterly. "*bleep* you."

With that, Dib stormed away. The feud finished, Gaz dropped her gaze back to her game once again. Professor Membrane shook his head sadly.

"My poor, insane son."


End file.
